When's the right time to spill your feelings?
How to get closer with a girl you kinda sorta know
May's Summer Fun Giveway week 3 winners
DNA Mix Up: Little Mix’s new album
Get perfect beach waves without setting foot on the sand
5 safest sunscreen picks of the season (and serious dos and don'ts)
Are you the ultimate Bellarina?
The secret to finding a li'l L-O-V-E this summer
Bella Thorne rocks WAT-AAH!'s Move Your Body Flash Mob
More Friends = More Fun
CREATE A PROFILE
GL Tweets !
1 HOURS AGO Smooching secrets from real guys: Click Here!
2 HOURS AGO We love @taylorswift13 and @edsheeran's "Everything Has Changed" collab. Do you?: Click Here!
3 HOURS AGO Got mad #LipSmackerLove? Share your fave @Lip_Smacker glosses to win today!
Kay so your story is really good, but you NEED to switch your sentence structure a bit. It's always "subject verb" as the first words in your sentence. try switching things up a bit
Izzefizz on 2/20/2010 8:11:27 PM
Jiae K. on 9/24/2009 10:57:59 AM
Also, guys I am currently working on a novel as well, and if you want to read it, I'm posting it on my profile. Thanks.
BubbaleeEmalee123 on 8/28/2009 12:53:48 AM
I like your story. There are just a few tiny things I would change about it. First of all, for some reason the story reminds me very much of James and the giant peach. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with the aunts. Maybe you could break away from that a little bit, then your readers would be more inclined to pay attention to the story, instead of wondering what it reminds them of. Also, I would use more developed words choices rather than words like "Awesome" and "Like" it makes your book seem less mature. But other than that, I really enjoyed it, and I hope you continue with it!
BubbaleeEmalee123 on 8/28/2009 12:52:14 AM
gooooooooooooood start for your story
teddybear15 on 8/25/2009 10:04:20 PM
kkkkkk i no a good story and this is a really gr8 1 if anything u need to change is the emotions and add a lil more description of the characters but not too much i learned that when i was writing a story but a 7th gr8r. and her friends. some of my buds didnt lyk it so well but my 1 was in love w/it. urs kinda reminds me of mine. so just keep writing!!!
check out my profile plz!!;)
~*Brook!e~*10 on 8/16/2009 1:46:01 PM
I would suggest that you start with a chapter or two about this girl at her aunt's house. It would make it seem more real if you did it that way rather than jumping into the this is why I did it and this is my life now kind of a thing. That was a little confusing, but i hope this helps!
ClubChristianTeens on 8/6/2009 10:36:10 AM
im writing 2 books right now. 1 is called "Vampiers" and the other 1 is called "Dreams"
annray on 8/5/2009 7:49:01 PM
to short of a chapter but a really good short ch.
annray on 8/5/2009 7:45:42 PM
i agree with the other posts. Start it out with something catchy like OMG where did he go? and lead on from there. Slowly introduce how you ended up where you are and what made you decide. I am currently writing a novel too i have started 3 novels so far so I should know a little bit about writing .
jojo85 on 8/5/2009 4:43:12 PM
hey guys i'm writing a book. it's about a 13 year old runaway named Natalie. Its called Church Chimes. here's chapter one
I was a runaway.it wasn't that bad. I felt free. And it wasn't like runaways you see on TV. I was clean. I showered 3 days a week at the local gym Plus I washed my clothes every week at the laundromat. And I didn't live alone in some cardboard box. I lived with 3 other kids and we lived in an abandoned shack about a block away from St. Agnes Church. People ask me why'd you runaway? And this is why.
I don't remeber my parents. They dissapeared when I was barely 12 months old. They left me with a babysitter one night and never came back. I only had two living relatives, my great aunts Ava and Sophia. And trust me their was nothing great about them. Ava was crazy. She was seriously losing her mind. She trapped her dog in the closet and blamed the paperboy. Sophia was mean. She hated me. Acted like I was some burden. I did all the housework but she always found something I did wrong. "Natalie," she'd say " you stacked the plates wrong" or "I found a crumb on the floor." Then she would tell me how this would come out of my allowance but it's not like she payed me anyway. She also made me sleep in the attic even though they had 5 extra bedrooms. When we ate she always gave me the worst food. th burnt piece of toast or the mushy cooked carrots. One day I couldn't take it anymore and I ran away.
The first two nights were scary. I couldn't sleep. Then I met Samantha and Mason. Sam was 11 and Mason was 8 like me. They had runaway and had been staying in the shack for 2 years. Soon I had become part of their family. So it was crowded and the roof leaked. It was better than my aunts,. 2 years later we met Jacob. he was 13 then same as Sam. The good thing was no one really told you what to do. The bad thing was the whole money for food thing. Well it wasn't too hard Jacob played guitar which was always a hit downtown. Sam worked at Mc Donald's. Mason and I mowed lawns or pulled weeds. And I wasn't worried about my aunts. They didn't miss me. Not one did I see a missing sign with my picture on it. Sophia was probably glad I was gone and Ava probably didn't even remember me.. And now Mason jacob and Sam were my family and they were awesome.
TheJournal on 8/3/2009 5:27:17 PM
Hi! Is it okay if you post the chapter again? My computer is acting weird and it won't let me read more comments. Thanks!!!
I'm a writer too btw. I'm writing a book. Mabey I'll post mine for you to read too!
treezr4hugging on 8/2/2009 8:07:28 PM
if u cant find my book idk y i tryed posting it multiple times but it wont show up!!ughhh
atvridingsinger on 7/31/2009 11:39:29 PM
where is your book?? can i read it
dramagirl31 on 7/31/2009 9:43:47 AM
were is your book?!??? I want to read it! I write books too and im always interested in other peoples writing. Could you tell me how to find it? thanx!
Bella LOL on 7/30/2009 3:35:15 PM
it was my pleasure
pjcute2 on 7/29/2009 7:17:22 PM
hey, it won't let me see more comments..., so I can't read your book. (
britni on 7/28/2009 10:30:28 PM
hey u guys..i am writing a story..i am gonna type wut i ahve so frar of my story on my profile soon so plz check it out and give me advice..thx!!
atvridingsinger on 7/28/2009 7:21:56 PM
no problem...u inspired me to start writing again..so now i am writing a new story
atvridingsinger on 7/28/2009 7:14:58 PM
im an aspiring author, but i dont have IDEAS!!!!! i normally write better when im told wat to write...any ideas ladies? And can i use it as my own? thanks comment on my profile!
pearlnagem on 7/27/2009 8:44:46 PM
where do u read this....?
pearlnagem on 7/27/2009 8:42:40 PM
also what is your book about too
aqua girl on 7/27/2009 6:28:11 PM
cool profile oh yah what is the first chapter of book is like?
aqua girl on 7/27/2009 6:25:29 PM
i just read chapter number one and as most of the girls are saying i do think it has potential but there are some things that you should change...
ok my criticism could be long but don't let it discourage you...i see a lot of potential in your writing... btw how old are you??? I have just written a novel...well i havent finished it yet as i have decided that it greatly needed to be edited...some things that i changed in my novel are things that have appeared in the first chapter of your novel...
1. your beginning...it's not a bad beginning infact it is quite good however the sentence structure makes it not flow as well as it should...also i wouldn't start off saying, 'I am a runaway' to make it more dramatic you should put that at the end of paragraph one after explaining what she does and feels so people will wonder why in the world she needs to shower at the gym or why she needed to wash her clothes at the laudromat.... then after saying, "I am a runaway" you could launch into her past...
2. dramtic...some parts are a little over dramatic...it seems as though you are writing a realistic fiction piece and that means it has to be realistic...purplecrazed gave some great examples of ways to change it and develop your sentence structure.... become familiar with semi colons...they are one of an authors best friends...
3. the story is rushed...if you want it to be a novel it need to be more spread out...in fact the first paragraph could be a chapter if you spread it out... you could explain her life as a runaway for one day and add some dialougue with the people she lives with so they become familiar with the characters while they still have some mystery around them such as why she is living with them...then when you end that chapter by explaining she is a runaway you could launch into her past...which you could probably get two or three chapers out of...maybe growing up with her aunts could be dragged out into specific experiences you could also add a specific thing that drove her over the edge to running away...that way it could be more dramatic and then go from there... you shouldnt just skip over two years you could explain what it was like in the beginning of being a runaway...that emotions the questions the fears...any regrets??? or such... as purplecrazed said a novel is about 50,000 words...
i wouldnt be trying to help you if i didnt see the potential in your story...so keep writing and keep working on it and maybe one day it could even get published...if you want feedback from people who write a lot google teenink raw....and you will find a website with a bunch of eager teenage writers who would love to rate and critique your work...also if you have any questions about being a runaway....i once ran away for three months...so i would be happy to help
have_A_heart on 7/26/2009 11:36:40 PM
Great, but try not to use awsome and like or even alot of words that we, us girls, say in real life. The book is great so far and I really do hope you get published. If you want some really good advise maybe try emailing an author. Maybe they can give you better advise than I did.
amandapanda2296 on 7/26/2009 8:14:18 PM
hey, whats your book about?
princessa13 on 7/25/2009 8:55:26 PM
ur welcome!!! i'm an avid writer 2 i write short stories and novels about fantasy and teen life or mixed in together and school stuff.
hit.the.surfs. on 7/25/2009 3:37:05 PM
hey idk if u have to be apart of the club or not but i like to write...so it would be cool to be apart of the club once it starts back up again..omg i love the book ur writing its really good so far..afta the first chapter i wdanted to keep reading so def post it hwne ur done..lol later
atvridingsinger on 7/25/2009 1:21:08 AM
thanks for the tips on starting a book they will b used i promise u helped a lot!!! im in the process of researching things right now ugh in never have enough time to do it all thanks sooo much
twilighter171813 on 7/24/2009 11:01:12 PM
when does school start for u? for me it starts august 12th.
furuba97 on 7/24/2009 9:56:27 PM
i loved chapter !!!!! im writing a story too, called The Spy House. Its about these kids whoose dad is the president and the white house is attacked by terrorists. the bad guys drop them on a secret island and the oldest one stumbles upon a group of shipwreked kids.they have to get back to d.c. before the terrorists take over blah blah blah. it could never be a novel, though. im already on chapter 7 and there are only like 4,000 words....
girlsliferulez1234 on 7/24/2009 9:35:40 PM
GREAT CHAPTER ONE! I WILL READ YOUR BOOK IF IT GETS PUBLISHED!
Lyss95 on 7/24/2009 6:36:59 PM
Coolio! I love 10 things and miss Congeniality
Swimlover4life on 7/24/2009 5:54:30 PM
What book are you writing?
chica1 on 7/24/2009 5:38:16 PM
i love reading stories and pretty much anything haha can't wait to read chapter 2 i can give you advice on anything for school we had to write a short story with a moral behind it because an authur was coming to our school and he was coming on my birthday and i got to read my story to the whole school
dramadork on 7/24/2009 2:02:42 PM
ya critisciasm does help and the ppl who tell you its good can geniunely mean it
i'm a wrter too but i never seem to like anything i write im my bggest crtic
and your write no matter how much the critiscism hurts it helps you alot wth developing the plot the characters and the story
CiCi840 on 7/24/2009 1:54:05 PM
I love the first chapter!!!!!!! It was amazing!!! I swear if you get this published i will buy it!
ValeriieeBrooke x99 on 7/24/2009 12:59:25 PM
Hey... that is weird. My name is Natalie!
lacrossegirl on 7/24/2009 12:14:21 PM
wait wheres ur book chapter? im confused! please write back to me on my profile!
vblgirl on 7/24/2009 12:10:24 PM
Wow!! that was really good!!! can u tell me on my profile when u get a new chapter up on here???? And a little advise maybe you could go into more details in chapter one so we could get to know the characters a little better.
CHECK OUT MY PROILE!!!
emerald-girl18 on 7/24/2009 11:41:48 AM
THE 1ST CHAPTER IS PRETTY GOOD! BUT I AGREE WITH cg1304, JUST ADD SOME MORE DETAIL TO HELP US UNDERSTAND MORE ABOUT HER AND EVERYONE ELSE. BUT I'D LUV 2 READ THE 2ND CHAPTER! IF U DO TELL ME AND I'D LUV 2 HAVE A LOOK AT IT!
jessicaop on 7/24/2009 10:57:40 AM
littlemiss139 on 7/24/2009 2:50:11 AM
ya...no prob....i hope u keep writing...i always stop in a middle of a project...lol but thats just me....so wats new w/ u? Well besides the whole book thing! LOL
juliadags on 7/24/2009 2:04:40 AM
let me know when you get the book published, i want to buy it :]
best of luck,
XxhorsebabexXsugar on 7/23/2009 11:31:55 PM
I like capter 1 alot my name is Natalie. =] I wish chapter 1 was alittle longer though,but I deff like it. =)
if-u-only-knew on 7/23/2009 9:18:55 PM
OMG I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoliaxo on 7/23/2009 9:08:06 PM
i really enjoyed reading the first chapter
i write 2
right now im working on a story called In My Garden
i have 6 chapters so far
i always start writing then lose intrest in wat im writing
i hope u dont lose intest
its so fun to write!
pjcute2 on 7/23/2009 8:48:20 PM
Luv luv luv the beginning of ur book. sounds like a really great story! tell me when theres more!!!!!!!!
irelin on 7/23/2009 8:28:05 PM
I love it all, except you should probably take out the "Sam worked at McDonald's" thing. at the time he would have been 13 and you usually don't see 13 year olds working at McDonalds. And he might have had to have gotten Parental Permission which he couldn't have cuz he was a runaway.
But other than that i love it!!!
furuba97 on 7/23/2009 6:17:29 PM
hey i read chapter 1 of ur story it's pretty good but u might wanna add a little more to the chapter just to get some more background info. good story though! i like to write novels too...comment back!
hit.the.surfs. on 7/23/2009 4:44:09 PM
Flavor: Delicious candy flavor in a yummy gloss.
Fab Fact: Treat yourself anytime with this 2004 Lip Smacker.
Take the 30 Day Craft Challenge!