Dealing with dad's death

My dad passed away from leukemia. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what actually happened. He was in the hospital for so long and battled the cancer for almost my whole life. My mom, younger sisters and I are a wreck. A bunch of my friends are saying stuff like, "He's always here, but you do need to get over it and stop crying."

Do you have any tips that will help me and my family get through this tough time? I am surrounded by friends, but I was wondering if there is anything I can do to help my mom, my sisters...and myself.

I am so sorry to hear about your father—my condolences to your family because I know that’s tough. Two years ago, I lost my cousin in a car accident, and there are still moments, even today, where it hurts. Know that it's OK and perfectly normal to feel the way you do. The loss of a loved one is always sad; it’s just about channeling that sadness into positive energy that will help you get through it. Celebrate the memory of that person and realize they’ll always love you. I’ve got a few suggestions that helped me with my cousin. I hope they do the same for your fam.

After my cousin died, a bunch of people wrote on his Facebook wall with comments about how much he meant to them. Seeing that outpouring of love showed me that the impact of his life can and will remain. And for me, writing on his wall helped to let out the feelings I had been holding back. My suggestion for you and your fam is to do just that: Take an evening and write a letter to your dad about how you feel. It was definitely hard for me when it came to my cuz, but putting those feelings on paper, sealing them away and putting them somewhere he could “see” them—be it with flowers by his grave or an e-mail in his inbox—really helped me get through the grieving process. It was letting go of the pain—the first step to moving forward.

Know that even in the most horrible events there is always a silver lining. For me and my family, the loss of our cousin strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. My advice is to take advantage of that new bond. You, your mom and your sisters are all going through this together and feel the same way. So, plan something fun so you can bond and seize the day. Fun trips act as a reminder of the joy you can feel together. After the excursion, have a heart-to-heart. Be sure to let your mom and sisters know if they ever need someone to talk about your dad with, you’d be happy to hear them out. Those convos can be comforting to both you and your fam. Focus on sharing the good times you had with your dad. He may be gone, but he'll never be forgotten.

I'm so sorry to hear that your friends are telling you to "get over it." Please know that it's OK to cry and let it out. You could try to write some of your pals a note telling them how hard this is for you and how you would really like their support. I know it's frustrating. Since your friends didn't go through the same thing, they don't quite get it. If you feel overwhelmed in school and your buds aren't cutting it as an outlet, please see a school counselor. This way, you can vent AND they can hook you up with even more tools to come to peace with this.

Death is always a tricky thing, but know with time things do get better. While life may never be quite the same, there is light at the end of this tunnel and some positives. For me and my family, this horrible tragedy has made us closer than ever. During tense moments, we share the good times we had with our cuz. It definitely takes time to get there, but you and your fam can do it! Continue to talk to your buds and remember that you’re not going through this alone. Lean on your family and friends for support, focus on the good times you had with your father and do activities with your fam that bring you closer together. The result? More smiles and a bond your dad would be proud of. Stay strong and positive, girl! You can do this.

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BY CAITLIN R. ON 3/9/2010 7:00:00 AM 29 COMMENTS

My BFF used to cut

My best friend cut herself. She told me, and I convinced her to tell her psychologist. They talked it out and now she's fine.

For five months I've been the only one who knows about what she did. A week ago she told our friend, who told her former friends. Now they make fun of her behind her back. I keep trying to make them stop. When I tell them it was one time and I got her to stop, they don't believe me.

I know she has problems because her mom is really horrible to her. That's why she cut herself. That leads me to my next question, "Who do I go to for help when her mom does this?" My parents would tell her mom and make it worse for my friend. Help! I need to help my friend, but I don't think grown-ups understand!

This is tough because it's a touchy thing going on between your friend and your mom. It’s great that you got her to stop cutting herself and she’s been fine for the past five months. You’re also an awesome friend for sticking up for her.

Make sure she always knows you are there for her, whether she needs advice or just wants to vent. Let her know you're worried about her and see how she responds. Tell her that you're always there to listen to her issues, but encourage her to get professional help if her mom is still causing problems. Yes, it might be dramatic if someone speaks to her mom, but in the end, this is all for the greater good. If your pal's parent is treating her badly, a pro can set her up in a safer place or give her the tools she needs to deal.

Cutting is a super, super serious issue, and the fact that your friends are talking about your girl behind her back? So not cool. Handle the haters by ignoring them. Each time they try to act snappy about your friend's problem either walk away or change the subject. Another thing to consider: If these girls are acting so rude, do you really want to stay pals with THEM? I would probably find chicas who are sensitive and a bit more understanding to chill with.

Once again, the biggest thing through all of this is to just be there for your girl. Let her know you'll be a text, AIM or phone call away the next time she's tempted to do something dangerous. Stress that you love her just the way she is; and you would never judge her. Distract her and boost her confidence by joining new after-school activities or throwing a fun sleepover for just the two of you (another excuse for her to get out of the house, too).

You're a great friend to be so concerned about your chica. Keep up the great work and good luck!

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BY CAITLIN R. ON 3/2/2010 7:00:00 AM 41 COMMENTS

My security guard creeps me out

Whenever I go to basketball games, there's this security guy that always stares at me.

He looks really creepy. I think I might like him though. 

What should I do?


Hit the brakes on this one. Older guys can be intriguing, but this age gap is too wide to ever be OK. Trust me, you don't wanna get involved.

You should def be seeing a huge “stop” sign when you think about your schools security guard. Don’t forget what this dude's job is—to protect you from harm in school. It's totally cool to befriend him, but don’t forget boundaries. There is a fine line between being friendly and being inappropriate—and in this case, it's illegal since you're a minor and he's um, not.

Just an FYI: You should probably like a guy within a two to three year age range. Why? Think of it this way—would you really wanna go out with a sixth grader who just started middle school, when you're a frosh in H.S.? At this stage in your life, you grow up A LOT within the course of even just a year. Totally different life experiences usually equals totally incompatible, hon.

Even though he’s too old for you, maybe you can find a mini semi-twin version of your security guard crush that’s closer to your age. Try putting a Book o' Boys together where you can keep track of all the guys you like and their traits. This way you'll know what to look for in the future.

1. Age/ Grade:
2. Height:
3. Body Structure:
4. Hair: length & color
5. Eye Color:
6. Athlete: yes/no
7. Musician: yes/no
8. Personality? (Funny/Shy/flirty):
9. Interests:
10. Hobbies:

Oh, and another thing? Don't be afraid to give guys who normally aren't your "type" a chance. Never went for a total band geek before? Um, hello, he could write you tons of love songs.

If this security guard continues to stare at you OR if he starts to make comments that make you feel creeped on, tell a trusted teacher or another adult. Sexual harassment is a serious issue that needs to be addressed ASAP. Talk it out, get help if you still feel weirded and remember to crush on cuties around your age. It'll work out, I promise!

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BY CAITLIN R. ON 2/23/2010 7:00:00 AM 78 COMMENTS

Still sad after a friend's death

Hey babe, I'm really, really sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how tough that must be and I'm sure you're feeling all kinds of emotions that are new and confusing to you. Please know that you can get support and that things WILL get better in time.

I know it's not gonna be easy, but you need to get your feelings out so you don't bottle it all up inside. Even if it's not talking to anyone about it just yet, try jotting your thoughts down in a journal once a day. It's a lot more helpful than you might think. Write down some of your favorite memories you had with your friend. You could even pen her a letter telling her how you feel or what you'd really like to tell her.

I'm sure you're not the only one feeling the way you do right now. Your other friends are probably experiencing the same sort of thing, and it could be helpful if you all sat down and talked about it. It's comforting to know you're not alone.

Another way to get help? Turn to your parents. They love you and want you to be happy and healthy. If you want to start seeing a counselor, ask them for advice. Even if your school doesn't have one, search your local church or place of worship for someone to talk to or even a support group. There are other people who know what you're dealing with.

It's going to take time for healing and it's totally normal to be grieving the way you are. You've got tons of GL girls here that love you and are always here if ya need to talk!

Check out our Tough Stuff page for a bunch of articles and advice on dealing with loss.

Feel like you need to talk to someone ASAP? Check out this page for a list of numbers and support centers you can call.

BY CAITLIN R. ON 2/16/2010 7:00:00 AM 63 COMMENTS