Dad's changed...

For the past year, my dad and my mom have been going through this really rough break-up and it seems like they might split up. My mom, my sister and I all think my dad is mentally ill because he keeps on saying and doing terrible things, like threatening to kill himself. Then, he goes back to being a really good dad who I have so much fun with.  

You said you can’t stop thinking about how he'll be the fun dad that he once was. Try not to think about that too much and instead think about all the fun times you did have. People change, so sometimes we have to adjust to new behaviors and attitudes. If you only think about your dad in a negative way, you might start to feel hateful toward him. You just need to remind yourself that he’s still your father and you can still have a good time with him. Add a reminder of the fun stuff you used to do in your note. Tell you pops that you'd love to go back to having great times like that. Maybe even suggest some ways to get back to hanging with dear ol' dad. Weekly brunch dates, anyone?

BY CAITLIN R. ON 10/20/2009 7:00:00 AM 45 COMMENTS

My BFF's brother committed suicide

My friend's brother recently committed suicide. He was a great guy and it came as such a surprise when it happened. My pal seems to be dealing with it well, but it's almost like she doesn't believe it happened. I've been to their house since then and it's almost like he just left for college.

Also, it doesn't seem like she has trouble talking about him. My other BFFs and I are surprised about that because it's so hard for us to talk about it. I can't imagine that she's not impacted by this.

What can I do to help her? She knows she can talk to us about it if she wants to, but she hasn't. We haven't brought it up once, but she seems fine with sharing memories of him and saying his name. Is this normal?

Hey girl, I'm so sorry this is happened to your friend. I can't imagine what she's going through, but it sounds like she's really lucky to have BFFs like you around who care about her so much.

It's hard to tell how someone deals with a loss like this. In person she might seem like she's doing well, but you never know how she's grieving alone. It's great that she's open to sharing memories. It might seem weird that she's talking about it a lot, but that's prob just her way of coping. Let her know that you'll always be there to listen and encourage her to keep talking to her family and a counselor about how she's feeling.

I'm sure she's relying on you to be a big comfort right now. Besides being there for her, show her that you care by crafting up a cute card, baking a batch of her fave brownies or having a sleepover with her fave flicks. Anything that'll ease the pain is sure to help your girl out.

Sure, it's more traumatizing for your friend who lost her brother, but it's also a little scary and confusing for you, too. I'm sure you have lots of unanswered questions. So if you feel like you need help, don't be afraid to talk it out with a guidance counselor.

BY CAITLIN R. ON 10/13/2009 7:00:00 AM 79 COMMENTS

My pal was sexually abused

My BFF and I have been friends since second grade. Recently, I found out that she was sexually abused by her older brother for three years. Her mom blames her for it and excuses her bro by saying, "He was young, he didn't know what he was doing to you." Her bro was 12-14 and she was 9-11.  

My BFF has been really torn up about it. When she told her parents that she'd told me and a couple of her closest besties, they flew off the hook on her and got really mad. She kept her abuse a secret for four years without even telling her parents, and now that they know, it doesn't seem like they're doing anything about it. I feel so sorry for her and have talked to her a lot about it, but I feel like something more needs to be done.

I know just talking to her isn't going to heal her pain or her fear of her bro. Since almost no one knows, it's not something I can talk to my mom or anyone else about. What should I do?

Wow girl, this is a very intense and horrible situation. I am so sorry to hear that your bestie had to go through this. I know it must seem totally unfair. Sometimes things happen in life that we cannot understand or explain, and they just leave us wondering, “Why?” All we know is that this type of abuse should not happen to anyone, and it is absolutely not her fault. You must feel incredibly awkward since you don’t want to go behind her back and tell anyone else. Right now your friend is probably feeling incredibly alone and scared so the most important thing you can do is be there for her 100% in any shape, way or form.

First off, your school has guidance counselors that are there to provide support especially in rough times like these. If your BFF is nervous, go with her to the school guidance counselor so she doesn’t feel alone. Knowing that you’re by her side will help her feel less nervous. The counselors are a great way to get all those built up frustrations out. Your bestie prob has a lot of anger and confusion pent up. It’s not healthy keeping all those emotions stirring up inside. This will be a perfect release and way for her to just let it all out! The guidance counselor can also find your BFF some support groups, which can really help her cope with all the crazy feelings and emotions that she's dealing with right now.

Support groups can be a great place for your bestie to meet other people, like her, who may be experiencing the same or similar problems. By talking, or even just listening to other victim’s stories, it may help her better understand her own issues. She may even make close friends with people who are coping with the same or similar struggles. Since her family isn’t being helpful, it’s important that she find the support she needs somewhere else. A group will help her move on.

Also, when I’m upset, I like to take time focusing on things that I make me happy instead of dwelling on the pain. Does you bestie enjoy writing? Tell her to start penning poetry or keeping a journal that only she can read! Does she love the outdoors? Go for a hike together after school. It will give her a chance to get away and escape, and she'll be able to vent to you if she feels the need. Advise your friend to find whatever it is that she loved doing before her world was shaken upside down by this tragedy, and use it to help bring her some of the pleasure she had before all this pain came her way.

This may be one of the toughest sitches that your BFF will ever have to deal with in her entire life. It will help for her to know that you are there for her no matter what. It might take a while for your bestie to get back to her old self again, and that’s perfectly understandable. But in the meanwhile, treat her like you did before this horrible incident. Make her laugh until her stomach hurts with awesome impressions, and stay all night chatting at your next sleepover.  All you can do at this time is be there for love and support. That’s what friends are for!

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BY CAITLIN R. ON 10/6/2009 7:00:00 AM 108 COMMENTS

Probs with ALL of my family members!

Finally, my brother is a total and complete jerk. He also is OBSESSED with one of his friends, who cusses, is much bigger than me, and is EXTREMELY violent. (I don't like to even be anywhere near him, he's so scary)

I've never been severely injured emotionally or physically; I just literally HATE IT at home. I don't think I can go to a foster home for that. What should I do?

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re unhappy with your family. Everybody has family problems, but you must be so stressed by it all. It’s not going to be easy but let’s tackle your family problems one step at a time.

Let’s start with your dad. When a family member is sick, it’s always scary. You might not know what to say, and it can be tough to comfort them when you're uncomfortable with the situation, too. Whatever the case is, have a positive outlook through it all. Share a smile with your dad or write him a heartfelt card to let him know that you care for him. That will give him all the strength that he needs through these times.

As for your mom, you need to have an honest, serious talk with her. Open up to her and tell her what’s on your mind. But when you do, let her know that you understand where she’s coming from. You want to show her that you aren’t just complaining, but that you are truly concerned with the relationship you have with her. Tell her that you want to find a compromising point where you and your mom are both happy. Say you're really considering her faith, but don't want to feel forced into it.

With your brother, talking to him isn’t the best solution. A lot of teens go through a stage where they are best friends with lots of different peeps. Sometimes these pals are a bad influence. For your bro, try to stay out of his way. If you still feel scared and intimidated by the way him and his pal are acting, bring it up to a trusted adult like a fave aunt or older cousin. Since they know him better, they'll know how to handle this well. You’ll be doing yourself and your brother a favor.

I know it can seem hopeless right now, but remember that they are still your family. Even during the roughest times, your loved ones will always come through. So don’t lose faith in them and you’ll be able to work it out one by one.

GOT YOUR OWN TOUGH STUFF SITCH? CLICK HERE to submit your own problem to be answered on Girl Talk!

BY CAITLIN R. ON 9/29/2009 7:00:00 AM 41 COMMENTS