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How to deal when mother-daughter quarrels get heated

You and your mom have been on edge lately. It seems that you just can’t stop fighting. You roll your eyes. She says some clipped words. You start yelling. She screams back. Before you know it, you’ve both slammed your doors and silently vowed to speak to each other again. Mom-daughter relationships are tricky, but they can be very important and special to have in your life. Don’t let the bad blood tarnish your relationship with your mom. Here are our tips on how to handle conflicts with your mom and stop things from going from bad to worse. 

De-escalate

De-escalating is important because it asks you to pay attention to the current conflict and take steps to preventing it from getting out of hand. First, make sure you are listening to your mom. And we mean really, truly listening. Check in with how you’re feeling. If you’re getting frustrated during a conversation, know that it’s okay to leave and revisit the topic when you have a clearer head. You do not have to argue or talk when you or your mom if your emotions are clouding your judgment. Instead, press pause by saying something like, “Hey mom, I don’t think this conversation is productive right now. I feel like I’m too angry and need some time alone to think about things. Maybe we can talk more later.”

Strive to communicate, not quarrel

You and your mom may be at odds because you want to extend your curfew, go on a date with a cutie or dye your hair, and she doesn’t agree. Or maybe you broke a rule and are in trouble. In any conflict, resolve to remain calm, collected and patient. Listen to your mom’s arguments. Consider their validity. If she’s angry at you, listen to the reasons why. Don’t interrupt her. When she’s finished, respond with your own points. You can lay out your argument or explain a situation. If you handle a tricky conversation with maturity and grace, your mom may, too.

Check your attitude

It’s natural to tell your mom things about your life, to whine, complain and unload your stress on her. But remember that she is a person with her own worries, fears and anxieties. That doesn’t mean that you can’t share things with her, it just means to be respectful of her feelings. Negative vibes are contagious, so try to come in with a positive attitude when you interact with your mom. If you’re constantly angry or angsty, you may consider talking to your mom about solutions for nixing these bad feelings.

Utilize "cool down" time

If you do have a blowout fight with your mom, give both her and yourself time to cool down before trying to repair any damage. Don’t try to pry into the conversation or instigate a fight. Don’t beg for forgiveness when your mom is still fuming. Just give yourselves a couple of hours to let your anger settle. Sometimes things can get really out of hand in the heat of the moment and after taking a step back, you’ll realize your fight was silly. When you’re both ready to talk again, you will.

Apologize

It’s never too late to say sorry, and you should, especially if things have been really bad between you and your mom. If you decide to apologize, remember not to blame the other person or make excuses for your behavior. That’s not a real apology. You can say something like, “I’m sorry I said those hurtful things to you. I was very stressed and angry at the time and lashed out. I hope you can accept my apology.” Keep it simple and to the point. Most importantly, make sure your apology is genuine!

Spread the love

Every moment you spend with your mom does not have to be spent having serious conversations or arguments. Watch a movie together. Go for a hike or head to the mall for shopping. Make dinner–and dessert!–as a team. Pick up her favorite chocolates when you go to the candy store. Send her a quick “I love you” text during the day. These little things will not only help strengthen your relationship, but show how much you love your mom. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much you fight, you and your mom have a bond that is special and completely irreplaceable.

How do you deal with conflicts with your mom? Let us know in the comments!

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by Morgan Ome | 7/10/2016
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