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Dear Carol

Dealing With a Tragic Loss


Two days ago, a girl in my seventh-grade class died in a car accident. Everybody is a wreck. I wasn’t very close to her, so it didn’t hit me as hard, like some people have been crying all day, but I did cry. I’d like advice on how to help other people to recover.


-Sad Helper

Dear Sad Helper,

I’m so sorry for the girl’s family and for your whole community. Her death will leave a permanent mark on her closest friends. It may make some think about (and value) their own lives more and it may leave some feeling heavy-hearted for a long time.


Everyone grieves in different ways. Your classmates who feel terrible are allowed to feel terrible, while the kids who knew her less well need not feel guilty about smiling and flirting and joking in the hallways. Don’t avoid the saddest kids. Include them in a on regular conversations, and if you ever feel like it, during a quiet moment, say “You, must really miss -----.”


Perhaps your school can honor her memory in a formal way or establish a scholarship in her name. Perhaps teachers can have a service, plant a tree, or ask everyone to write or draw something for a book in the library. Mourning takes time. This girl will never be forgotten, but someday even her friends will be able to think about her with affection and not just wrenching pain.


Want More Advice? Order Carol Weston’s Girltalk Fourth Edition: All the Stuff Your Sister Never Told You. It’s got the answers to all of your most important questions. So if you're looking for tips, quotes, advice, or just plain info about growing up, friends, boys, school, family stuff, substance abuse, or any problems big and small, check out Dear Carol's Girltalk or For Girls Only. They'll help you feel confident, inspired and energized!
 
SERIOUS STUFF? For serious issues, don’t wait. Visit our HELP! page now.
 
For more on Carol Weston, visit her website: carolweston.com.
 
Can't solve a catastrophe? Never fear, Carol's here! Just click SEND A QUESTION to get Carol's expert advice

BY CAITLIN R. ON 4/17/2009 7:00:00 AM 167 COMMENTS

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167 READER COMMENTS

I feel so bad for you. You can only distract yourself by doing other things. Start off by going to a counseler, to get it out of your everyday thoughts, but it's obviously okay to think of it sometimes, you're honoring her by getting up the courage to post this and talk about it. Your next step can only be a counseler and doing things around your house or hanging with friends. Something just like this happened to my dad's friends daughter. She was driving with her boyfriend, and they had a baby at home, and they got hit by a drunk driver. I wasn't in her school, but I felt bad. There was a pole at the corner she got hit at, and some of her friends put of a huge cross putting her name and her boyfriends name, the date, and flowers, pictures, and notes. It was probably about 5 months ago, and the cross is still there along with pictures and flowers. I feel bad for her dad.
R.I.P D+J.
The person who caused the accident is the one who deserves bad. But just remember, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

Calalove99 on 11/19/2009 11:31:16 AM

aww... at my school a kid commited scuicide a few years ago..he jumped off our walkways

lily1998 on 10/15/2009 4:23:25 PM

hey, im really sorry about your loss. i know how it feels. this past feb. one of my friends was shot at a party. and over the summer, about two weeks befor school started, another one of my friends was in a car accident. i was very close to the one in the car accident. i had so many memories with him and its hard to think that i wont have anymore. its still hard for me to believe that hes not here anymore. but things have been getting alot better latley and i know that they will for you and your school too.

laroo on 9/28/2009 4:22:14 PM

happen to me too.the pain stays forever but after awhile theyll calm down.our school planted a tree and made art for the family.we hung up his art in the multiporpuse room.we also had a memorial service for our class.

sparks431 on 8/16/2009 6:54:09 PM

I am so sorry for your loss! And i know that i did not like it when people told me this but i know how you feel. My daddy died a year ago and i am still very sad. What i did, was that i went to a hospice class and that really helped me!I hope you feel better!

Miranda999 on 7/23/2009 12:10:51 AM

Wow things like that are always tough to deal with! Back in Febuary one of my close friends was 9 months pregnant and passed away during childbirth complications (she had just turned 16). Thankfully her daughter survived though. I went to her funeral on Valentines day and her favorite color was purple so they passed out purple ribbons and I have had mine on my backpack since i got home from her funeral that day to honor her. At my school we raised about 10,000 dollars for her family to help cover funeral costs and the costs of raising a baby.

youheartme87 on 6/24/2009 1:57:16 AM

Oh jeez. This reminds me of 5th grade Frown.
A really well-liked girl in my grade had rabies and died from it Nov. 6, 2006. She was 10. We planted a tree for her.

Actually, a lot of kids pass away at my school. Usually 1 or 2 a year. Or something insanely bad happens. This year, a bus got into a wreck, and my second cousin was involved. I swear, my school is cursed.

courtney170 on 5/16/2009 12:40:16 PM

mod! i saw something really inappropriate on the internet. i don't want to tell my mom or dad but i want to avoid it at all costs. what can i do???




Hey girl,




Just don't go back to that site and avoiding searching for stuff like that again! Feel better and be careful when you're on the web. If you still feel disturbed try talking to an older sib or trusted adult
caitlin r.

liss101 on 5/4/2009 3:48:24 PM

MOD
I already see a theripast. Are those 2 the same? And any tips to fall asleep quickly? Thank you! Taylor :,(










Hey Girl, They are the same.  I would talk this over with your therapist. You should also mention to her if you have trouble sleeping. xo Annemarie
Annemarie D.

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 5/3/2009 10:27:10 PM

*MOD*
I am so sad right now. My next door neighbor just died this morning. She was 97 and every one is really depressed today. I am so sad I ahve cryed about 7 times already today. HELP! Thank You SO MUCH! ~Taylor Frown "Live life-love life, be happy"










Hey Girl, I'm really sorry that happened, but remember, 97 is a really long time to be alive and I'm sure she had a very happy, long life! If you're still upset, I would see a guidance counselor at school for some grieving tips. xo Annemarie
Annemarie D.

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 5/3/2009 10:19:27 PM

*MOD* I am so sad right now. My next door neighbor just died this morning. She was 97 and every one is really depressed today. I am so sad I ahve cryed about 7 times already today. HELP!

 

Hey girl,

I'm really sorry to hear that your neighbor died today. The best thing to cope with this situation is to simply cherish the memories that you shared with this person and to wish for her peace.

 

Hearts, Jeannie

Jeannie L.

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 5/3/2009 8:00:54 PM

!mod! how do u answer MODs? because i would love too. i just dont know how toooo. thanks so much

 

Hey girl,

MODs are part of the GL staff, so we have different accounts that allow us to access MOD questions.

 

Jeannie

Jeannie L.

xofe-feox on 5/3/2009 6:01:21 PM

OMG! That is very sad. You know I have lost two grandparents. But that isnt my point. My point is is to keep trying to help people recover. Ok. Just do what you gotta do. Just say what you gotta say.

dallasstars on 5/3/2009 10:52:23 AM

I am soo sorry. We had someone from our HS die of brain Cancer. I didn't know him but he was a good person to alot of people. Hope you can get through it!!

ladybug1220 on 5/2/2009 12:50:02 PM

thanks so much !

xofe-feox on 4/28/2009 8:43:53 PM

MOD!!!! Hey, i have 2 best friends, both girls in my grade. A few weeks ago we found out that one of out best guy friends who is a few years older than us, is moving.....to the other side of the country. We're really upset about this. And its all we talk about. We dont want him to move. Right now, it seems like the 3 of us are trying to hold onto time. We're counting down the days till he leaves (as of right now its 55), and were dreading the day. We love him a lot. Please help. Thanks..

 

Hey girl! It's always tough when a friend moves away. But you can still keep in touch with him through email, im, texting, and talking on the phone. And you can even plan a trip to visit him or have him visit you.

Jess H.

xofe-feox on 4/28/2009 8:30:52 PM

aww im so sorry

xofe-feox on 4/28/2009 8:27:55 PM

Awww I am sad that your class and this girls family had to lose something so precoius...just remeber God is in control of everything and God needed another Angel sadly He took this young girls life but for a reason so don't be mad at the dear Lord for taking her for one day you will see her in heaven and rejoice in the presence of our Lord!!!
Love
Laklynne P.

LaklynnPastrana on 4/27/2009 9:17:20 PM

MOD!!!
Me and my Bestie are seeing the Plain white T's tomorrow...and I hae no idea what to wear (i've never been to a real concert) Any ideas?




Hey babe, I think jeans a cool t-shirt or shirt would be best!

katelin s.

figsk8r13 on 4/24/2009 1:05:18 AM

Take from me my brother died october 12th 2007 and my grandma (she'd been living with us) died December 27th 2007 from a stroke. I never got to say good bye to either of them. My brother was my best friend.
R.I.P
Tim Annemarie D.

littlemiss139 on 4/23/2009 9:02:12 PM

I am so sorry that happened at my school a couple months ago, only the person commited suicide. It was a boy that was in my health class, and I didn't really know him that well, but he was really popular, and everyone at school was a mess for a really long time.

Lilacls on 4/23/2009 8:18:47 PM

OMG I LOVE YOU JARREd!!!!!

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 4/23/2009 6:47:40 PM

Frown

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 4/23/2009 6:16:13 PM

MOD
I am dying to see the next GL! Do you know when it comes to Denver?

 

 

 

Hey babes,

 

 

The next issue will be for June/July.


 

 

XO Lori

lori S.

Taylor-Anisa-Bffs967 on 4/23/2009 5:59:20 PM

The same thing happened to me but she drowned and i also didn't really know her!

I was really sad though

my school planted a tree though and when we did the ceramony i cried

jcgirl14 on 4/23/2009 5:02:33 PM

oh i bet you are really sad even though you were not very close to her. it still hurts when someone you are around everyday dies. you should try helping her friends and family trough this. try letting them talk and listen. let them cry let them express their fellings. before you know it everything will be alright. even though she will live on forever in many peoples hearts and thoughts.


-savnnah

kcools12 on 4/23/2009 2:19:28 PM

Omigosh! I'm soo sorry. I go to a christain school and when my little cousin died they said " Be happy. She is in a place with the one and only God. He is taking care of her as she is watching over you right now!" Take care and God can help.

Ginabuggy on 4/23/2009 2:16:17 PM

IF YOU NEED ADVISE ABOUT ANYTHING CHECK OUT MY PROFILE

mystic_me on 4/23/2009 12:17:42 PM

that must be really hard for her family. a boy in my sisters year hanged himself becuase he was in trouble with the police or somit like dat. it was tough

mystic_me on 4/23/2009 12:16:13 PM

about 2 weeks ago a seventh grade girl at a school by mine was killed in an accident with some other people.
i had only met the girl once or twice and the other people i had only met about 5 times or less.

i still cried and was really upset.

its ok to b hurting. take a deep breath everything will b okay.
everyone was crying in my town and everyone is still upset hte best thing to do is to help people get through it saying things like 'im so sorry for your loss' or talking about her if you have any memories

tinkgirly on 4/22/2009 11:36:20 PM

one of my simi friends passed away on 2/20/09 we werent best friends but she was on my basket ball team and we said hi in the hall but when she passed away everyone was crying when i found out i didnt want to belive it i still dont. After everyting like the funnrel and momorial there was a total of 5-7 videos on youtube we are atill heart broken.

R.I.P Brittney Peters we miss u babygirl!

stultz25 on 4/22/2009 8:38:02 PM

That happened to me except i was extremely close to the person it happened five months ago and i still cry it was my dads best friend and now we are helping his kids by remembering good times we had with him

bluishbears on 4/22/2009 8:25:00 PM

sounds really horrible to the community, your school, and the girl's family! that really makes you think, you know? i hope everyone affected by the tragic loss recovers quickly.

XOXO, Natalie

herndongrl on 4/22/2009 7:48:19 PM

that is so sadFrown i am so sorry to hear about your loss. i have had 2 people in my school pass away due to accidents. i did not know them that well but it was sad to hear that had happend.

hunny-puff87 on 4/22/2009 7:03:33 PM

wow thats really sad my simpathy goes out to you

GymnasticsGirl538 on 4/22/2009 6:55:54 PM

wow that is so sad!

dancer4life101 on 4/22/2009 6:15:17 PM

Oh, im so sorry

ray ray on 4/22/2009 4:50:55 PM

I am sorry to hear that! I think you should have a talk with your teacher/princibel and see if your school can manage to mabye make a memorial stand and pput it out in your school yard!

Abi11 on 4/22/2009 4:49:27 PM

*MOD*
I just found out that we have to but my dog to sleep. We've had him my entire life, so I am really attached to him. Plus, we have a huge 'Survivor Day' thing at our school tomorrow & I don't want this is affect my happiness & how I do tomorrow. Any advice??
Thanks.







Hey chicky, I’m a busy bee facilitating all the G-Blog jazz. Although I’d love to answer and chat with all ya gals, it’s just not possible at the moment. I’m sure our lovely bloggers here would love to help ya out with some great advice! Thanks for understanding. , Your Blog Patrol Babes  
ashley b.

Swimchica123 on 4/22/2009 4:23:14 PM

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOD thats horrible id be an emotional wreck if i were u

nats on 4/22/2009 4:17:33 PM

I don't know why god does these things, but I do know one reason: A new person needed to live.
I'm very sorry!

Alexa9797 on 4/22/2009 1:37:21 PM

Are any of your friends close to her? Even if you weren't close dont forget to be there for your friends. They may need you know more than ever.

cutie567 on 4/22/2009 11:05:30 AM

let her rest in peace! thats so sad

elizabeththekool on 4/22/2009 10:58:48 AM

awwwwwww thats bad im srry i had the same problem this boy died in my school because he got hit by a car then at school they planted a tree in his memory


funntgirl123 on 4/21/2009 11:27:08 PM

im sorry :o( deaths are always hard

backhandbroady14 on 4/21/2009 11:09:37 PM

Ohhh... I feel so bad for all of yall. My Math teachers son was in a wreck and he was in a coma for i think three years. He died eariler this year. It was really sad. She would cry in the middle of the class and everyone felt so bad for her.

glorymaenius on 4/21/2009 9:42:26 PM

Wow, I can totally relate to this post. Last year a girl who was in 7th grade (I was in 8th) died from meningitis because no one could see the signs. It was really sad because her sister was in my class and a few of my class were close with her sister and her. They left the library open for people who just wanted to cry and talk about and they actually started a scholar ship in her memory. On top of that people where purple on her birthday because it was her favorite color.

rawrmania! on 4/21/2009 7:20:38 PM

wow i am sorry it gets really sad when this happens.

xoxoej444 on 4/21/2009 6:13:41 PM

Oh! That must stink. I know you weren't close, but it's still really sad when people die.

MathGirl98 on 4/21/2009 5:53:37 PM

Awwwwww!Im so sorry!if you ever need help just message me!

supergirliegirl on 4/21/2009 5:08:23 PM



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