Brenna, 17, always thought she was shy. But when she became too “shy” to go to the mall or talk on the phone, she wondered if her problem was much bigger than that. Meet one of the over one million girls in America who suffer from panic attacks and anxiety disorder. –As told to Sandy Fertman Ryan
It started in middle school. One day during cooking class, some girls wouldn’t let me help out with a recipe. I got so paranoid that they were talking about me that I just sat there, frozen to my seat. Suddenly, my palms got sweaty, I was shaking, and my heart seemed to be pounding right out of my chest. I felt this horrible, choking fear. What I didn’t know was that I’d just had my first panic attack.
After that first episode, my attacks got worse. Still, no doctor had diagnosed me, so I didn’t have any idea what was happening with me. I had the attacks several times a month and tried desperately to prevent them by avoiding any social situations.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
My problem began to interfere with every aspect of my life. I never went to slumber parties, and I stopped playing sports. But certain situations, like gym class, were unavoidable. During gym, I would nervously tuck my hair behind my ears over and over again. By the end of class, the tops of my ears would be bleeding from my fingernails scraping them.
I stopped going to restaurants and the mall, even with my parents, because I was so fearful of running into kids from school. Just walking through the school halls caused me to tremble and become nauseated.
Eventually, I was unable to talk on the phone to anyone, not even to order a pizza or call my grandparents! I was so nervous about what anyone on the other end of the phone might think of me. I knew it seemed nutty, but I never told anyone how I felt. At times, my fear was so overwhelming that I would lose a week of sleep. My parents knew I was having problems, but they just thought I was overly shy and would eventually outgrow it.
FACING THE FEAR
One day after school, I logged on to the Internet and ran a search for “fear of people.” I found a site called The Social Anxiety Network. It explained that telephones and authority figures trigger panic attacks in people with social anxiety. It also outlined how sufferers of this disorder have an irrational fear that others are thinking bad thoughts about them. Finally, I had a name for my problem!
I printed the info out for my mom and, after reading it, she told me she felt terrible that I’d been in so much pain. Together, we decided I should see a psychologist. I was ready to do anything to get help.
I was so fearful of the psychologist that I cried non-stop through the first sessions. When I finally calmed down, I spilled everything and told him I thought I had social anxiety disorder. The doctor agreed, prescribed medicine and taught me some relaxation techniques. I was skeptical because, by that point, I couldn’t even stand in my front yard. But I knew I had to try.
After a couple months, I noticed I was crying less and felt more comfortable around other kids. When anyone said, “Hi, Brenna,” I actually said “hi” back. Soon, I even made new friends.
ACCEPTING MYSELF
I was happy once I could talk to people without having panic attacks. I was amazed how many came out of the woodwork! Suddenly, I wasn’t alone.
Although my disorder isn’t curable, it is manageable. It’s been months since I’ve had a panic attack. I still feel anxious on occasion, like when someone giggles behind me. But it’s not as nerve-wrecking as before because I understand why I feel the way I do.
If you think you have social anxiety or panic attacks, talk to your parents, school counselor or other trusted adult. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. I know I’ll never be super outgoing, but that’s not who I am. I’m really OK with just being me.
--As told to Sandy Fertman Ryan