Sometimes in life, you have to deal with less-than-happy emotions. Like, say, being, upset when your BFF announces her family is moving away. Or feeling helpless when your pet had health problems. Or sadness when person you care about dies.
But, unfortunately, sadness is a part of life: The key is learning how to handle it in a way that feels right for you and helps you move on to feeling hopeful. Here are answers to the five questions girls ask most often when dealing with loss.
1. Is my reaction normal?
When you lose something or someone dear, you might expect to feel sad or weepy. So other emotions, such as being scared or stoic, could come as a surprise.
Whether your eyes gush waterfalls or stay dry as the Sahara, it says nothing about your closeness with or feelings for the person you lose. All it says is whether or not you feel like crying at that particular moment. You can love a person deeply, and, yet, not shed a tear. You can be grief-stricken from losing someone you adore, but also be furious because that person left you.
Believe it or not, you might even be relieved by a loss. If someone you loved had a long illness, you might be glad that person is no longer suffering. Same goes for parents divorcing. Deep down, you might be glad for a break in the non-stop bickering. It’s only natural. Emotions not only run the gamut, but they are also notoriously unpredictable.
Here’s the most important thing to remember: You don’t have to justify your reactions to anyone. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel, even if your feelings don’t seem logical. There’s no one “right” way to feel when your life changes.
2. Will These Horrible Feelings Ever Go Away?
Yes, absolutely. It’s hard to believe, but the pain will fade. Keep in mind, however, that recovery doesn’t happen overnight. When you’re hurting, it’d be great to know exactly when you can count on relief. But, unfortunately, nobody can guarantee: “By May 15, you’ll feel like your old self again.”
The grieving process is typically slow, gradually winding along until it eventually lessens. And remember that ups and downs are pretty common. One minute you feel fine, the next you feel sad. You’ll have to take our word that, over time, there’ll be more and more days when you don’t think so much about what you lost. Your ability to get through these experiences and move on—even grow—will make you stronger.
3. What should I Say If Someone Asks About Me About It?
That all depends on whether or not you want to talk about it. If you do, and someone lends a willing ear, spill to your heart’s content. And don’t worry about getting teary. Lots of girls worry they’ll seem babyish or make other people upset but, in fact, having a good cry with someone who cares can be a great relief.
It’s trickier if you don’t want to talk about what happened. Certain circumstances might make you especially uncomfortable. If there’s been a major change or tragedy in your family—say, if a parent loses a job, a relative is jailed, or a sib lands in a drug rehab program—suddenly, every kid on the block might be a wannabe reporter. It isn’t rude to say, “If you don’t mind, I’d rather not discuss it.”
Remember that it’s always your decision to talk or not. People have every right to ask anything they want, but you have every right not to answer. You’re entitled to privacy during tough times.
4. What Can I Do To Feel Better?
Basically, plan to be kind to yourself. To get rid of tension, take a soothing bubble bath, go for a jog, listen to music, nap, read a great book, keep a journal, do yoga or talk to an understanding pal. If someone you care about dies, consider taking part in rituals such as memorial services. Many religious groups offer ways for community members to support each other as they mourn.
Can’t decide whether to go to a funeral or cemetery? Find out what to expect and talk through your concerns with an understanding friend or adult. If you think it will help you or you don’t want to feel left out, go. If you decide it’s not for you, consider mourning privately or going wherever mourners are gathering afterward.
Some girls cope with sadness by doing good deeds. Before your BFF moves away, throw her a bon voyage party, get kids to sign a banner or make her a scrapbook. If someone you know gets sick, help organize prayer vigils, rally your friends to make get-well cards or even take part in a fundraiser to benefit research into the disease that’s affecting your loved one.
5. How Can I Get Help?
We’re not going to lie to you—sometimes it takes months to come to terms with a loss and say good riddance to the pain. But if you’re in a major funk 24/7, forever dwelling on what happened, or having trouble eating or sleeping, don’t hesitate to go to your parents, guidance counselor or clergy for help. Ask how they’ve dealt with losses in their past.
One way or another, that intense heartache will eventually heal, and you will rediscover pleasure and peace in your life. You’ll also learn tons from your experience, like how to care for other people and let them comfort you. If there’s one benefit to going through really rough times, it’s that you often feel closer to the ones you love.
Life does continue after loss. You can cope. And when you mourn for things or people you’ve lost, they stay with you always by becoming a part of who you are.
By: Roni Cohen-Sandler