Your 17-year-old brother Josh is just plain trouble. He skips school and, on the handful of days he does show up, he’s either mouthing off or getting into big-time, black eye fights. He’s failing 11th grade and, last week, the police brought him hone because he tagged some graffiti on the side of a building.
And you’re not doing so well yourself. First off, Josh is an embarrassment. You’re worried his heinous behavior will give you a bad rep. You’re doing great in school and you’re never in trouble. And, regardless of your success, you get no attention from the ’rents. They’re so busy keeping track of your brother, they hardly have time to hear about your winning goal. Now, that’s a lot of stuff for one gal to handle. Sure, you care about your sib – but his issues are seriously messing up your life.
WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?
Skipping school, shoplifting from The Gap, being disrespectful to authority figures, sneaking out, lying, drinking, smoking, starting fights or doing anything else that breaks the rules of the law hints at a deeper issue.
When teens are depressed, anxious, insecure, angry, frustrated or just plain feeling crummy inside, they often act out as a way of expressing negative feelings. Sometimes it’s an unconscious attempt to divert their feelings or to derail people’s attention from what’s going on deep down. Being bad usually isn’t a conscious choice.
BUT WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME?
This is not to say you don’t need some attention too. You come home from school, all jazzed because you got a 98 percent on your earth science midterm – only your mom’s not home. Where is she? In yet another meeting with your brother’s guidance counselor!
As hard as this might seem, try putting yourself in your parents’ place. Do you really think she likes being called to the principal’s office? Wouldn’t she rather be giving you props for that 98 – and seeing your bro get his act together, too? Do not take her absence as a personal insult. Try to be extra-supportive of your mom and dad. They’re struggling with a lot of different emotions, just like you are.
BIRDS OF A FEATHER
Other than feeling ignored, you might feel attacked – guilty before proven innocent. What if your parents are so burned out by your sister’s chronic lying, cheating and stealing that they automatically assume you’re a bad seed, too? Even though you’ve never given your ’rents the slightest reason to worry, you might pay an unfair price for your sib’s mistakes.
But even though you and your sib are being raised by the same folks and spend loads of time under the same roof, you have the power to make your own decisions. Be proud of doing what’s right, and remind your parents of responsible decisions you’ve made in the past. Stay on the same straight path proving that you and your sister are two entirely different people. Resist the urge to become a rotten seed just because you think your parents expect it anyway.
DEAL WITH HOW YOU FEEL
Whether you think you’re being judged harshly for your sib’s stuff or it’s like you’re totally invisible, share your feelings with your folks. They love you tons and probably want to know if you’re bummed. They need to know how your sib’s disruptions are affecting you.
Choose a time when your parents aren’t buried in your sib’s probs. Present yourself honestly, without getting mad. By letting your folks know you get what’s going on, you open up an opportunity for some important give-and-take.
HELP THE CREW GET A CLUE
What if your sib’s troubles are infecting your social life? Maybe your sibling full-on disses you in front of your crew. Or maybe he’s not straight-up sabotaging you, but his trouble-making rep is rubbing off on you. Would-be buds don’t want to be within a two-mile radius of you for fear you’re a wild child, too. And yes, it’s completely unfair. That’s why it’s important to show everyone what you’re really all about, without ripping on your sib.
Show’em that you're a rocking individual. Immerse yourself in cool activities you really dig. Use your expert backhand to lead your school tennis team to victory. Speak your mind by excelling in the debate club. Express yourself by writing for the school newspaper. So what you really love to do, and your actions will speak loud and proud about what an awesome chick you are!
If you have problems with teachers expecting the worst from you, handle the situation similarly. The best way to beat this misconception is to do your very best in class. Study hard, show up on time, be polite, and be yourself. A good attitude and solid work will go a long way in distinguishing you as a totally winner.
YOU CAN’T FIX IT
When someone you love is in mega-trouble, he needs to see a pro, like a therapist, who can help him get at the root of the problem. It’s not up to you to try to figure out what’s going on inside your sib’s head! It’s unlikely your sib will ’fess his feelings to the fam. Chances are, he has no clue he’s miserable inside.
Yes, you worry, but your bro (or sis) must be responsible for his actions…and his reactions to getting help. Also, it’s one thing to be tolerant of your sib but quite another to excuse any form of physical violence or emotional cruelty. If you sib hurt or threatens you with scary words, you must tell an adult.
Your sib can only get the appropriate help if your parents know everything that’s going on. So don’t feel like a snitch – you’re not selling out your sib by speaking up about an out-of-hand situation. Do not blame yourself for your sibling’s (or his friend’s) actions.
TAKE CARE OF NO. 1
Above all else, keep your own sweet self covered. This is actually the best way you can help your sib. Why’s that? Because just be being terrific, balanced, happy you, you give your sib inspiration – no matter how subtle. Leave the specifics of dealing with your sib’s problems to the adults.
Lend an ear to you folks when they need to let off some steam about your sib’s issues, but open up to your ’rents when you need to cut loose as well. Love your sib, but don’t get so wrapped up in his issues that you ignore your own needs, forget to have fun or stop dreaming big about the future. Live your life to the absolute fullest. Promise?
By: Lisa Mulcahy
BY JIAE K. ON 9/2/2009 1:21:00 PM 11 COMMENTS