By Valerie Kaufmann
As told to Michelle Silver
Each year, over a million kids are involved in divorces. While most parents remain close to their kids, some, sadly, don’t stay involved. And, since the majority of these kids live with their moms, it’s more common for dads to walk away. But, moms do too. Just ask Valerie Kaufmann, 11, of New York.
Valerie’s Story
When I was 5, my parents separated, and my brother Eddie, 2, sister Victoria, 7, and I were shuffled around between relatives because our parents lived in different houses. When I was 6, our father got full custody.
For a while, my mother visited, but her visits became less frequent before stopping altogether. I can’t remember the moment I knew she was gone for good. But I know my dad explained she had left and he wasn’t sure if she’d be back.
Eventually, though, I got mad. I waited for her to contact me. But I never heard from her. I missed the idea of having a mother to tuck me in at night and talk to me about my period and how to deal with boys.
Last year, my parents’ divorce was finalized, and my dad remarried a woman named Valerie, like me! She became a mom to me, driving me to school, helping with homework, watching dance recitals. We talked about the things I imagined mothers talk to their daughters about.
*****
And then, this year, out of the blue, my father told Eddie, Victoria and me that our mother wanted to see us. My reaction? Anger. She’d left for six years with no explanation. Why should I care about her when my feelings, obviously, meant nothing to her?
But the court system insisted we meet with her, and a judge would decide whether we’d keep visiting. Sure, part of me thought it might work—we could get to know each other again. Maybe I could get an answer to the question that plagued me: Why did she leave?
When we met our mother, I walked in and she was already there. She had the same long, black hair but had definitely gained weight. She looked up and cried. I just stood there, feeling weird.
It was not like my fantasy—no hugs and no joyful reunion. I couldn’t hold back and asked right away, “Why did you leave us?” She was quiet, and then she explained that she woke up every morning thinking about getting visitation rights but “just didn’t.” There was no explanation. That night in bed, I decided I didn’t want to spend any more time with her.
Only, my mother got visitation rights. I was forced to see her a few hours every two weeks.
On the next visit, I brought photos. I wanted her to see the things she had missed, but it was also to make her feel guilty. She looked at the pictures but didn’t say much. Instead, she talked about her life. My mother had a new husband and 2-year-old daughter, which made me angrier. Why was she taking care of a new daughter but not us? Even worse, she had lived just 15 minutes from us the whole time!
I might have given her more of a chance if she’d explained why she left. I also wanted an apology. Some part of me wanted her to ask me why I was ignoring her and try to make things better. But, again, she did nothing. With every visit, I was more convinced she didn’t care and wasn’t worth the effort.
After a month, her visitation rights increased to weekly. Then, the court system gave her the right to call nightly. After a week of avoiding her calls, she picked us up for a visit and, as soon as we got in the car, she screamed out that I was hurting her feelings. Did she forget about the six years she was gone? Eventually, she wrote a letter to the judge, saying I didn’t have to see her anymore. It was a huge relief.
But, after that, she stopped seeing Eddie and Victoria, too. Week after week, she made excuses for why she couldn’t see them. I felt bad because my siblings were hurt all over again.
About seven months after our first visit, the court system officially took all visitation rights away from my mother. She can’t legally spend time with us unless my father gives her permission. So far, she hasn’t asked, and I doubt she ever will.
*****
It’s been a few months since I last saw my mother. I’m still happily living with my dad and stepmother, and I definitely consider Valerie to be my mom. She’s there whenever I need to talk to her, and she was great through the whole ordeal with my biological mother.
As for my mother, she is a giant disappointment to me and I’m glad I confronted her. It’s sad that I’ll never trust my mother, but it’s a relief to know who she really is. I don’t hold onto thoughts of who she ought to be and what I might be missing out on. I also take comfort knowing that if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t do my part any differently.
If you are in a similar situation, it’s really important to talk with people you trust and who are willing to listen. Most important, I hope you understand that none of it is your fault. I was so young, and the problems in the house were between them. I’ve talked with my aunt and stepmother, who both encouraged me to feel my anger but then move on. So that’s what I’m doing now—I’m moving on. And, believe me, you can too.
BY JIAE K. ON 10/20/2009 11:14:00 AM 18 COMMENTS