I am the world’s best ex-girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m
not a bad person to be in a relationship with (I’m mildly amusing! I
occasionally say interesting things! Sometimes, I even wear my hair not in a
ponytail!), but if you really want to know the real me, hang out with me for a
couple months…then promptly break up with me.
The truth is, I simply don’t have the patience to do the
“gonna get the guy” stuff other girls do flawlessly: Being available but not
too available, asking just the right number of interesting questions,
blow-drying my hair so it tumbles in loose waves that seem to be softly blown
by an ocean breeze at all times.
But when I do fall for a guy (which only happens about every
two years), I try not to screw it up by channeling one of those girls who plays
everything just right. Which means that I generally spend the first couple of
months totally faking it.
When I want to say, “You’re it and I look forward to getting
into your head, your heart and your sweater as much as possible,” I wind up
saying things like, “I love watching UFC matches” and other stuff I don’t mean
in an attempt to get them to like me. In short, I try to turn myself into
whatever I think they’d think is the perfect future girlfriend.
To their credit, I tend to like boys smart enough to know
something’s off with me, and, inevitably, the whole thing falls apart after a
few months. But because I also tend to choose guys I have actual stuff in
common with, we usually end up friends.
And that’s when I actually start to look and act like a
normal person. The adorable outfits? Gone. The expertly applied makeup?
History. My fondness for fighter Chuck Liddell? Yeah, actually, don’t care,
next topic. I’m not rude or disrespectful, of course, but once the “OMG, are
you the one for me?” pressure is off, I’m just…the real me.
Which, considering how many of my exes have asked to get
back together once we’re friends, should probably lead me to just relax and be
myself from the start and finally give up the “please think I am funny, please
notice how awesome I am, please like me to bits and let this work out” act.
That’s my 2012 romance resolution: Instead of waiting for
the worst to happen before the best of me comes out, I’m just going to be me
from the get-go. Right after I pretend we’ve already broken up.
BY KAREN THE EDITOR ON 1/16/2012 5:24:00 PM
POSTED IN Editor's Blog, Karen the editor, Feb/March 2012