Major dilemmas usually bring on intense, yucky feelings that are often hard to deal with. What to say? What not to say? What to do to help? Chances are you’ve never been in this kind of predicament before. Although there are few “rights” and “wrongs,” we can offer you ways to get through this tough family time.

Get the scoop
Many girls say the worst is not knowing what has the 'rents in an uproar. Chelsea, 13, says, "One day my mom picked us up from school, and she was just bawling. We were upset because we didn't know what was wrong. I got so scared that she was dying. We kept begging her to tell us, and it turns out she had been replaced as the girls' JV basketball coach." When you don't know what's going on, your imagination can go crazy—along with your panic.

Don't be shy about asking Mom or Dad to clarify the situation. Find a quiet time to say, "You're clearly upset. What's the problem? Please share it with me." Sometimes, parents prefer to keep things under wraps to prevent you from being burdened with adult problems or because it's a private issue.

But you can always explain to your parents that not knowing is scary. Without nosing around for details, say, "I don't need specifics, but please tell me if my worst fears are true. Is someone sick? Are you getting divorced?" This straightforward approach might banish your most horrendous thoughts.

A bigger mess
Often, it's not just The Problem that's the problem—but also the havoc it creates in your family. During a crisis, your once-orderly world turns upside down. Money may be tight, one parent might be around less (or more), and tension may be off the charts.

When 11-year-old Alyssa's dad hurt his back, "He was off work for six months, and while he was getting better we were scraping every penny for groceries and bills." Carly, 12, describes what happened to her family after her father was fired: "My parents fought for the longest time. They didn't want me to know, but sometimes I cried at night thinking my family was breaking up."

While some parents cope admirably with misfortune, many more struggle and even stumble along the way. Fiona, 14, whose father has a neurological disorder that affects his mental state and judgment, says, "He doesn't even realize he's doing it, but sometimes he's really mean to my mom." To deal, Fiona had to gather her courage and confide in her closest relatives.

What's it like for you
Parental problems can spark a multitude of messed-up stuff. First off, stressed 'rents are often less available for you—that school project you need help with, the cool new sneakers you want, or the ride you and your buds desperately need to the movies on Friday night. Jodie, 11, whose father has cancer, admits, "Besides worrying every minute about my dad and if he's going to be OK, sometimes I think about how much I just want my mom back. She's always so busy with my dad these days."

Like Jodie, many girls feel rotten about these "selfish" feelings. The thinking goes, "My parents are trying their best, so I shouldn't complain." Sure, it would be terrific if you could offer 100 percent support 24/7/365, but you're human! It's perfectly OK to want your life back to normal. Your needs can be shoved on the back burner during a crisis, and it's hard. Particularly when you have added chores or responsibilities, or when your parents depend on you to comfort them, you might think, "Hey, wait, I'm the kid around here!"

It's also common to be angry, even if you know the problem isn't your parents' fault. You may still take it out on them sometimes, or be mad at the world, at yourself or at a friend whose earth-shattering "emergency" is losing her lip gloss. "Why did this have to happen?" you may wonder. Meg, 12, whose father is an alcoholic, says, "I feel really upset that I have a father like this, and even though I know he can't help it, he disturbs me." Hosting your very own pity party or blowing your cool occasionally doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, Meg was surprised at how much more relieved she felt after an outburst with her teacher led to a heart-to-heart.

Being embarrassed adds additional stress. If you think your parents' problem is shameful, you might clam up. But keeping your feelings inside is harmful. As Meg tells it, "I feel like I can't have my friends over to study or hang out. First of all, I feel a lot of pain inside. Plus, I don't want my friends to be scared of my father."

Keep in mind that yours is neither the first nor the only family to have problems. Nobody's family is perfect. Meg says, "I finally confessed to my best friend about my dad's drinking and was shocked to find out her mother's has the same problem." After their "secrets," they decided to attend some Alanon and Alateen support groups together.

If, however, you get specific instructions from the 'rents that the problem is classified and you can't spill, try vaguely telling friends or teachers, "I'm having a tough time right now because of a family problem." If they still pry, say, "I'm not comfortable getting specific," "It's personal," or "I'm not allowed to talk about it; thanks for your concern."

But don't let your parents' problem isolate you. This is where a sympathetic dog or a fat diary can come in handy.

What to do
Despite your best efforts, there's little chance you can fix the problem or take away your parents' hurt. Helplessness can be gnawing, but don't blame yourself. If you're unsure what to do, ask directly, "How can I help?" Maybe you can't cure your grandmother's illness, improve your mom's finances or get your dad to move back home. But during nerve-racking times, your parents would surely appreciate your getting up for school without seven reminders, the surprise of an unloaded dishwasher or a pleasant, squabble-free dinner hour.

It's also important to take care of yourself. When you relax and unleash stress, you erase at least one item from your parents' list of worries.

SOS!
As you get older, you're probably trying to show the 'rents just how responsible and independent you can be. But during a crisis, it's super to feel OK asking for help when you need it. There's no shame in saying, "I can't take the stress anymore. Can you help?"

If your worries or sadness build up, or if you think of running away or hurting yourself, make an appointment with a trained professional right away. Speak to a trusted relative, teacher, school counselor, youth group coordinator or religious leader. She or he might be able to help you find ways to absorb less tension from your parents' problems.

By: Roni Cohen-Sandler

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